10/1/98:

There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel

Who said, "They can all go to hell!

What they do to my wife---

Why it ruins my life;

And the worst is, they all do it well."

1943

10/2/98:

There was an old man of Madrid

Who went to an auction to bid.

In the first lot they sold

Was an ancient commode---

And, my God, when they lifted the lid!

1941

10/3/98:

There was a young fellow named Bowen

Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.

It grew so tremendous,

So long and so pendulous,

'Twas no good for fuckin'---just showin'.

1945

10/4/98:

There was an old hag named Le Sueur

Who just was an out-and-out whore.

Between her big tits

You could come for two bits,

And she'd fuck in any old sewer.

1946

10/5/98:

Have you heard of the Widow O'Riley

Who esteemed her late husband so highly

That in spite of the scandal,

Her umbrella handle

Was made of his membrum virile.

1941

10/6/98:

Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,

She obliges all who accost her.

She welcomes the prick

Of Tom, Harry, or Dick,

Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.

1939

10/7/98:

There was a gay parson of Tooting

Whose roe he was frequently shooting,

Till he married a lass

With a face like my ass,

And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.

1879

10/8/98:

A cowhand way out in Seattle

Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.

He said, "No, I can't fuck

A lamb or a duck,

But golly! it just fits the cattle."

1944

10/9/98:

A cautious young husband named Rafe

Used to diddle his wife with a safe.

Thus he thwarted God's wishes

And fed his pet fishes,

Which he kept in a bedside carafe.

1941

10/10/98:

To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!

Your cunt is as big as a dish!"

She replied, "Why, you fool,

With your limp little tool

It's like driving a nail with a fish!"

1941

10/11/98:

To the shrine which was Pallas Athena's

Young Bito (who'd learned about penis)

Brought her needles and thread

And scissors and said,

"You can stick them---I'm changing to Venus!"

1942

10/12/98:

A lad from far-off Transvaal

Was lustful, but tactful withal.

He'd say, just for luck,

"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"

But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.

1939

10/13/98:

There was a young lady of Joppa

Who came a society cropper.

She went to Ostend

With a gentlemen friend---

The rest of the story's improper.

1928

10/14/98:

A contortionist hailing from Lynch

Used to rent out his tool by the inch.

A foot cost a quid---

He could and he did

Stretch it to three in a pinch.

1942

10/15/98:

There was a young girl of Claridge's

Who said, "What a strange thing marriage is,

When you stop to think

That I've poured down the sink

Five abortions and fifty miscarriages!"

1941

10/16/98:

There once was an apple-cheeked runt

Who was welcomed with joy at the Front.

This God's gift to he-men

Prevented spilled semen,

For his ass was tattooed like a cunt.

1947

10/17/98:

A young man from famed Chittagong

Worked hard at the stool and worked long.

He felt a hard mass

Obstructing his ass,

Then shit and cried, "I shit a gong!"

1942

10/18/98:

There was a young naval cadet

Whose dreams were unusually wet.

When he dreamt of his wedding

He soaked up the bedding,

And the wedding ain't taken place yet.

1942

10/19/98:

There was an old whore named McGee

Who was just the right sort for a spree.

She said, "For a fuck

I charge half a buck,

And I throw in the asshole for free."

1944

10/20/98:

"Competition is keen, you'll agree,"

Said an ancient old flapper from Dee,

So she dyed her gray tresses,

Chopped a foot from her dresses,

And her reason you plainly can see.

1927

10/21/98:

There was a young fellow named Simon

Who tried to discover a hymen,

But he found every girl

Had relinquished her pearl

In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

1941

10/22/98:
Part 1 of 5:

Thus spake the King of Siam:

"For women I don't care a damn.

But a fat-bottomed boy

Is my pride and my joy---

The call me a bugger: I am."

10/23/98:
Part 2 of 5:

"Indeed," quoth the King of Siam,

"For cunts I just don't give a damn.

They haven't the grip,

Nor the velvety tip,

Nor the scope of the asshole of man."

10/24/98:
Part 3 of 5:

Then up spake the Bey of Algiers

And said to his harem, "My dears,

You may think it odd o' me

But I've given up sodomy---

Tonight there'll be fucking!" (loud cheers)

10/25/98:
Part 4 of 5:

Then up spake the young King of Spain:

"To fuck and to bugger is pain.

But it's not infra dig

On occasion to frig,

And I do it again and again."

10/26/98:
Part 5 of 5:

Then up spoke a Hindu mahout,

And said, "What's all this blithering about?

Why, I shoot my spunk

Up an elephant's trunk---"

(Cries of "Shame! He's a shit! Throw him out!")

1910

10/27/98:

Said a pregnant young lady named Sally,

"I've learned that it's consummate folly

To walk home from a dance

Without any pants

When the way home leads over the Pali."

1946

10/28/98:

There was a young man of Calcutta

Who jerked himself of in the gutter.

But the tropical sun

Played hell with his gun

And turned all his cream into butter.

1941

10/29/98:

An octogenarian Jew

To his wife remained steadfastly true.

This was not from compunction,

But due to dysfunction

Of his spermatic glands---nuts to you.

1941

10/30/98:

There was an old lady, God damn her,

She fucked herself with a hammer.

The hammer was blunt

And so was her cunt,

And out came a kid with a hop, skip, and jump.

1928

10/31/98:

There was a young man in Havana,

Fucked a girl on a player piano.

At the height of the fever

Her ass hit the lever---

Yes! He has no banana!

1941