May 1998

Limericks o' the Day


5/1/98:

Said a meaty young woman of Croft,
Amusing herself in the loft,
"A salami or wurst
Is what I should choose first---
With bologna you know you've been boffed."
1941

5/2/98:

There was a young man from St. Paul
Who had really no scruples at all---
He would fart when he'd talk,
And shit when he'd walk,
And at night throw it over the wall.
1943

5/3/98:

There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
When she sat on their lap
She unbuttoned their flap.
And always had plenty to eat.
1944

5/4/98:

An erotic neurotic named Syd
Got his Ego confused with his Id.
His errant libido
Was like a torpedo,
And that's why he done what he did.
1949

5/5/98:

There was a young fellow named Hyde
Who took a girl out for a ride.
He mucked up her fuck-hole
And fucked up her muck-hole,
And charged her two dollars beside.
1941

5/6/98:

A frugal young fellow named Wise
Gets the most from the dead whores he buys.
After sporting a while
As a gay necrophile,
For dessert he has maggot surprise.
1941

5/7/98:

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who had to live belly to belly,
Because once, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
1938

5/8/98:

Lisped a limp-wristed cowboy named Fay,
"It's a hell of a place to be gay!
I must, on these prairies,
Due to a shortage of fairies,
With the deer and the antelope play!"
Contributed by
Jim D

5/9/98:

There was a young fellow named Bouch
Who inveigled a girl to a couch.
He said, "Pretty young miss,
I will take you, I wiss,
Horizontally, veritcally, crouch."
1945

5/10/98:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Contributed by
Anonymous

5/11/98:

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Contributed by
Anonymous

5/12/98:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.
Contributed by
Anonymous

5/13/98:

There was a young girl of Cohoes
Who jerked herself off with her nose.
She said, "Yes, I done it,
But just for the fun it
Afforded the folk of Cohoes."
1952

5/14/98:

There was an old maid in Peru
Who'd a dog and a cat and a gnu.
From a sairlor named Harrot
She bought an old parrot,
And he threw in a young cockatoo.
1943

5/15/98:

There was a young fellow named Fritz
Who planted a acre of tits.
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
And he chewed them all up into bits.
1941

5/16/98:

There was an old man from Pinole
Who always got in the wrong hole,
And when he withdrew,
All covered with goo,
His temper was out of control.
1942

5/17/98:

There was a young fellow named Oakum
Whose brags about fucking were hokum,
For he really preferred
To suck cocks and stir turd---
He was Queen of the Flits in Hoboken.
1941

5/18/98:

There was a young girl from Sofire.
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
1945

5/19/98:

Van Gogh found a whore who would lay,
And accept a small painting as pay.
"Vive l' Art!" cried Van Gogh,
"But it's too fucking slow---
I wish I could paint ten a day!"
1941

5/20/98:

Beneath a tree one rainy day,
A lover and his swooning lady lay.
He was in her to the hilt,
And though she was nearly kilt,
She loved it, and kept hollering, "Hooray!"
1941

5/21/98:

A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
While bent over plucking a dingle
Had the whole Eisteddfod
Taking turns at his pod
While they sang some impossible jingle.
1952

5/22/98:

Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night---
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
1942

5/23/98:

There was a young girl named Regina
Who called in a water-diviner,
To play a slick trick
With his prick as a stick,
To help her locate her vagina.
1944

5/24/98:

There once was an artist named Thayer
Who was really a cubist for fair.
He looked all his life
To find him a wife
Possessed of a cunt that was square.
1952

5/25/98:

There was an old person of Gosham
Who took out his ballocks to wash 'em.
His wife said, "Now, Jack,
If you don't put them back,
I'll step on your scrotum and squash 'em."
1938

5/26/98:

An innocent soldier named Stave
Was almost seduced by a Wave.
But he's still a recluse
With all of his juice,
For he didn't know how to behave.
1944

5/27/98:

There was a young girl named Venus
Who had never encountered a penis.
When Van Stone threw his in
It went up to her chin,
But the bore, not the stroke, was the meanest.
1945

5/28/98:

The damned Jap sons-a-bitches,
We made them wet their britches.
We grabbed our gun,
And made 'em run,
The goddamned sons-a-bitches.
1943

5/29/98:

Ther was a young man from Split
Who was thrilled with the thought of shit.
He was simply elated,
Till he grew constipated,
But that took all the pleasure from it.
1943

5/30/98:

There was a young lady of Ghat
Who never could sit but she shat.
Oh, the seat of her drawers
Was a chamber of horrors,
And they felt even fouler than that!
1941

5/31/98:

The illustrious author, Dean Howells,
Had a terrible time with his bowels.
His wife, so they say,
Cleaned them out every day
With special elongated trowels.
1932

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